Mixed Emotions

It's amazing how quickly a week can go from amazing to questionable to downright heart breaking.

AMAZING
On Tuesday we left at 5am in the morning to drive up to Napa.  Our friends were already there with our godson, Bronson.  We wined, dined, and had an amazing time.  While there we enjoyed (free!) tastings at Chappellet, Opus One, Flora Springs, Schramsburg, Frank Family, Silverado, Paraduxx, Grgich, Alpha Omega, and more.

My overall favorite was Chappellet.  Love their reds and whites.  Plus we served this at our Boston wedding.  Alpha Omega had the most amazing Chardonnay.  It tasted like caramel corn!   Lastly, Schramsburg was very cool with caves dating back to the 1800's.

Leaving on Friday was not an easy thing to do, especially since Allen had to head off to work Friday night.


QUESTIONABLE
While in Napa we got a text from our friend/egg donor "We need to talk when you get back".  Hmm.... And on the drive back we get a call from Allen's boss "We need to meet when you get back".  Hmm....

Work ended up being a move to another restaurant location.  I know I need to be supportive.  I know I need to suck it up and be happy he has a great job.  I just hate that he works long hours, we don't get 24 hour periods together, and now he'll be working farther from home.  I used to pop in all the time to see him but with the new location across town and the addition of crazy LA traffic, "popping in" isn't going to be easy.


DOWNRIGHT HEARTBREAKING
We met with our friend/egg donor today.  She has been holding back the fact she has some hormonal issues that are now going to prevent her from taking the necessary drugs to donate eggs.  She has tears in her eyes while telling us she can't move forward with helping us start a family.  I'm holding my tears back as I'm devastated and wondering how we are going to proceed now.

As they say this too shall pass.  Its just so frustrating.  One minute you're flying high, enjoying your 16 month old godson in one hand, a glass of wine in the other, and dreaming about how this life will be yours soon -- very soon.  And the next minute *BAM* your husband's job is moved across town and *BAM* you lose your egg donor.

Ugh.  Here's to a happier post next time!  In the meantime, some pics of our godson, Bronson!

 

Girls, Girls, Girls. Questions, Questions, Questions.

On Sunday we met Olivia & Clara!  They are the beautiful twins featured on one of the blogs we follow, Stalking the Stork .  Oh yea, and we met their dads Jason & Adrian.

Jason & Adrian were gracious enough to take time to meet total strangers (us) and talk about their journey to fatherhood.  Over the course of 2 hours and plates of eggs and pancakes (mmm...carbs) Allen and I bombarded them with just about every question you could imagine.  From how they selected SCI, to the costs, Delhi overall, their experience, other IP's, flying with newborns, the exiting process, being new dad's, you name it we probably asked it.

Our latest question to ourselves, and mind you we haven't even signed with an agency yet, is "If we have twins do we get a side-by-side or a front-to-back stroller?".  We obviously had to ask this question to Jason and Adrian and we were shocked to hear their response:  "Both!  We have 5 strollers!".  Jason went on to explain friends will buy gifts or donate items they no longer use so they ended up with a few of them.  Our place barely has room for 1 stroller, I think its time we move!

Brunch was great and we hope to see the guys and their two gorgeous girls again soon.  They definitely helped ease our fears of surrogacy overseas.  I totally forgot to take pictures so this will have to do:

Not sure I like how my hair came out in this photo.

Yesterday for lunch I met another girl, our prospective egg donor.  Well, I didn't just "meet" her, she is a friend.  We met for lunch at Tavern in Brentwood (only the best for my prospective future eggs/embryos/children) and talked about everything.


I prepped a week before the lunch by emailing with Allie of Welcome to the Road.  She just finished her second round of IVF with SCI and was a wealth of information.  My prospective donor really appreciated all the investigative work I did too.


Like the meal with Jason & Adrian, this one was filled with many questions (and carbs!).  Someone might be your friend but you've probably never sat down and drilled them with so many personal questions like:

• What was your GPA?
• Are your grandparents alive?  How did they die?  
• How many siblings do your parents have?  Do they have any medical conditions?
• How are your parent's health?  
• Do you have health insurance?  
• What are you thoughts on abortion?  Selective reduction?  Excess embryos?  
• What do you see as your role, if any, with the child(ren)?  Can we rely on you for financial support and babysitting on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays?  

Okay maybe I didn't ask that last one.

I also never thought I'd find myself talking to a woman about her period, cycle, and the timing of a flight to India based on when she is menstruating.  I think I handled it quite well.


All in all the lunch went great.  I think our biggest hurdle is her fear of flying and traveling to India to donate.  She offered to donate before we announced we are strongly considering going overseas. Fingers crossed she is happy to travel as the savings will be substantial.

Our donor is beautiful but I'm not sure I should be posting her photo just yet.  So instead, I'll post one of the dessert we shared.  S'mores with dark chocolate and vanilla ice cream, marshmallow fluff (it's toasted on top, you just can't see it), fancy graham crackers, and caramel corn.

Not sure I'm going to like how my thighs will look after eating this.  Not sure I care.

Q & A

So many questions. So many answers. I think I've been driving Meg and Margarida crazy with all my emails but I guess they must be used to it.

Here are some of my Q & A, maybe it will help some of you in the process of becoming IPs. It's by no means comprehensive but maybe it will help. Answers are paraphrased.

Do you have references in the US?
While they won't give you a reference, they will send your contact info out with your permission. They asked 4 IPs/Ps and all 4 got back to us providing great feedback.

US companies have 2-hour meetings for face-to-face and to learn about the process. Can we do this with SCI?
No. SCI does not offer a 2-hour Skype call but you can Skype with Meg if you have any questions.

Do you require any type of psychological exam or report on our egg donor?  In the US, surrogacy agencies require we have our egg donor go through a psych evaluation and they require a written report.  Is anything required in that regard?
if you are going through a donor agency, this is generally done by the agency. If this is a private arrangement, then it is up to you as to whether there is a psych evalation. This is preferable, but not essential as this is being treated as a self cycle.

Can extra embryos be shipped back to the US?
Yes, it's about $3,000

How long is our donor in Delhi for?
If cycle is started at home, about 10 days.
If cycle is started in Delhi, about 16-17 days.
(where cycle means medical supervision and meds)

Can my husband and I split the eggs and have embryos created for each of us?
Yes.

Can we place one of each embryo in the same surrogate?
No. [I didn't like this answer]

Do we both need to travel to India to, um, make a deposit, or can we freeze and ship the swimmers?
You can freeze and send. You'll want to get testing done to ensure they will freeze/thaw well.

My friend is going to be in Delhi for work, can he visit SCI and staff?
Yes, we can make an appointment for him.

Does the hospital offer circumcision?
Yes they do, but you need to request this as it is not the norm.
[hmmm... I think I want someone overly experienced to do this!]

Should I be trying to blog on an iPad?
No, it's a lot of extra work but I'm too lazy to get out of bed and grab my laptop. Plus I can't add pictures! Now it's just long and boring.


Ok so that last one wasn't sent to SCI.

Turning to Allen, lying next to me coughing and sick: "Hey babe what was the name of the shrinky dink we met with? And if you get me sick I'm going to kill you.". He replies "Dr Elaine Gordon. *cough* I love you.". "Love you too, babe. Don't breathe on me."

So we also met with Dr. Gordon this past Thursday. She was highly recommended by agencies here in Los Angeles. When going through a US agency they require you meet with a psychologist. We figured it couldn't hurt.

We talked about whose swimmers go first; what to say if people ask whose swimmer won; the support of our family and friends; the importance of meeting the surrogate for ourselves and for the story for our kid(s); parental roles; the fears of India; and more. It was a great hour meeting. We'll also be sending out friend/egg donor to her for a session. I don't think the meeting was all that necessary for us, and we don't need a second one, but I'm glad we did it.

Lastly, just a big thank you to those keeping blogs and posting comments on ours. We greatly appreciate your honesty and each post helps us learn more about the process and feelings involved.

Now to go back to nursing my sick husband. I better not be blogging next week that i'm sick...

Flying Feathers

Yesterday we met with Stuart, the owner of Growing Generations.  Their office was up on the 13th floor of a high rise on Wilshire.  Ironically the same high rise where I got my first full time job out of college with ARTISTdirect.com [At the time it was #2 to Mtv.com.  It was also the first friendship I formed with a gay man, my boss, Ritch.  I wasn't out of the closet to anyone, or myself, and seeing him in a healthy long term same-sex relationship was comforting and probably the start of my very long coming out process.  Anyway back to Growing Generations...]

We instantly clicked with Stuart and spent 1.5 hours discussing the ins and outs of surrogacy through his agency and making small talk about common interests, kids, etc.  He briefly mentioned a falcon that regularly devours birds near the windows.  "You don't always see him," he said, "but you'll see feathers floating about."

Growing Generations really has their act together with incorporating technology to assist them (and IP's) with the entire process.  We were also impressed with the extent of research done on the surrogates.

Just as we were about to leave and enjoying the view, there it was.  Feathers.  Floating about.  Full falcon.  Poor bird.

We had about 2 hours to kill before our monthly facilitator meeting -- we both facilitate at the LA Gay & Lesbian Center.  So of course we went shopping and headed to the Beverly Center.  I'm going to go broke when we have kids buying every adorable outfit.  I know they grow out of them quickly.  I know they get stained with spit up and poo.  But I don't care.  Plus Allen and I have a serious sneaker problem.  We're like the Imelda Marcos of sneakers.  This baby is going to be born with a pair of Puma's on their feet.

Sneaker Chart.  Made with love, for me, by Allen.
This is just part of my collection.

And he picture labeled every box!
Best. Birthday Present. Ever.

While shopping and ogling baby clothes, we talked about surrogacy in the US vs India.  Do we spend the money and experience it here?  Do we save the money for a house and backyard to raise our family in and do it in India?  There were many other questions, pros, and cons, listed but that's probably good for another post.

Plus we're supposed to meet with Circle Surrogacy next week.  I think we may cancel the appointment.  

Meanwhile I can't sleep and that's just from thinking about the process!  I'm going to be a wreck once we sign papers.

I think I'll go online and buy a pair of sneakers...

1 Down, 2 More to Go

In our quest to become parents we're looking into and researching 3 U.S.-based surrogacy providers (plus SCI in India, but since we can't meet them in person we've got 2 more to go...)

Yesterday we met with the first one: CSP in Encino, CA. CSP - The Center for Surrogate Parenting - provided us with a four hour free introduction to creating a family. We met with Perla, who would be a direct contact. We also met with Jessica, who would handle the money side of things, Bill the founder, Andrew an attorney, and Karen the co-owner.

Everyone at CSP was great but we've still got Growing Generations next week and then Circle Surrogacy the week after that. Plus the on going research of SCI. The plan is to sign with someone and start out journey to parenthood in July.

Last night we were also invited over to Andy and Mike's, a pair of awesome Dad's with four (4!) kids. [back story: We met Andy a couple weeks back at the LA Gay and Lesbian Center during a "Create a Family" workshop. Andy was the rep for Circle and learning we lived a few blocks from each other invited us over to meet his hubby and the kids.]

I'm always nervous meeting new people - what if they don't like us? What if I yawn? What if I burp, or worse fart! And so on. The evening couldn't have gone better. Andy and Mike were gracious hosts and their kids were adorable, it almost made it seem like we should have 4 -- almost. Allen and I will be seeing them again for our Circle Surrogacy meeting in two weeks along with the owner of Circle, John. But we agreed, whether or not we use Circle we hope we can become friends with Andy, Mike, and their amazing family (the twins even hugged us goodbye, so cute!)

Allen and I then headed to dinner where our conversations now consist only of: "Should we spend the money for surrogacy in the US or save a ton and go to India?" "Do we try for twins? OMG twins! Aaawwwe twins!" "Boy(s)? Girl(s)? Healthy!!!" "Names?" and so on...

Why Love At First Wink?

Love At First Wink has a few meanings for us:

• It's how we met nearly 4 years ago.  It was love at first wink.  I sent a "wink" to Allen through Match.com and (long story short) we met, dated, moved in together, got married, and now we're looking to start our family.  
• It was the name of our campaign for marriage equality.  More on that here: http://www.loveatfirstwink.com
• It's how we know we are going to feel the second we lay eyes on our future little one(s)